2 blogs, 1 day..

Ya I'm feeling a bit ambitious today, but I am also making up for my horrible lacking of the posting.

Oh my goodness it is December and Christmas is approaching WAY too fast, don't get me wrong I love holiday cheer and all that jazz but this season is rather stressful. As a student my budget is pretty tight but my list for people to buy for is lengthy. And I love to buy that gift for someone that they will just love, but this seems to get increasingly difficult every year. My mom has gone to her classic "I don't want anything for Christmas, just a happy family" line. But I can't criticize her for it because that would be hypocritical.

This year I have not asked for anything, there just does not seem to be anything that I am in need of. I know this is frustrating for those who want to buy for me but I honestly cannot come up with anything that I want. Christmas has become such a commercialized holiday and that is sad. Just being with family, listening to the cheerful songs, and enjoying the general splendor and feeling that Christmas brings is enough for me. It is so much more than gifts and shopping, it is time to sit back and appreciate the life you have been given.

On Monday I went out and bought a cheap cardboard advent calendar with all the Disney princesses on it and I do quite enjoy it. Although everyone says I do the advent calender wrong. Most people eat a chocolate from box #1 on the first and box #2 on the second and so on, but I go the opposite way. I start at box 24 and count down so that I know how many days there are to Christmas, it just makes more sense to me that way.

Any who Tis' the season to be jolly and that's exactly what I'm planning on doing!! Good luck to all those Christmas shopping and decorating! xo

No Worry = Longevity

So I was reading the paper the other day and I came across an article about an 115 year old woman. In the interview she discussed how her husband had died in 1939 (omg) and that she had outlived two of her sons. When asked what her secret was to such a long life she simply replied "I never worried about anything". At first I considered this absolutely impossible but the more I think about it the more it makes sense. Worry does not do anything, except make you sick.

From now on I am for sure making a conscious effort to avoid worrying because I want the longest life that I may be granted and I want to make the best of it. And all this reminds me of the saying "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Life is such a blessing and I do not believe it should be squandered. Make the best of every situation and be happy with who you are. I have finally reached a good place within myself and I wish everyone could see the good in life and in themselves. I love life, loving, and me and I will continue to grow and become the absolute best I can be.

Missed Connections

I realize I have been slacking hugely on the blogging. And I really didn't understand why. For a while I just had no words that seemed worth sharing. I started blogging as something constructive for myself. A personal therapy if you will. And it did help me. But then I got to a point where I realized life is just too short for complaining. I have taken way too many things for granted and I vow to end that here and now.

Life is never happily ever after. Sure happy lives are lived but they are never perfect, everyone has their own set of issues (no matter how big or small). I have been going around self-conciously pitying myself. I would look at everyone else life around me and wish I had their joy. But being envious is not going to get me anywhere. Sure I will always admire those people who are brimming with self-confidence and who seemingly have the world at their finger tips, but I do not wish to be them. I am me and that is all I can be. I have my problems and my life is far from perfect but things could be much worse.

I am thankful for so many things that outweigh all the negative in my life. Things like:
- the best mother in the entire world for me
- amazing friends that never pretend to know my pain, but instead comfort me and help me through the tough times
- my health, I am able to walk and talk and not have to worry about how much time I have left
- my family. Although they are quite crazy they make life interesting and far from boring
- an education. I have goals in life and one day I will fulfill them because I have been given the opportunity to go to university
- my experiences in life. I am stronger and wiser and will be able to face many more of life's problems because of my past
- me. I am thankful that I am me. I am a good person, and I don't need confirmation from anyone else. I am kind, compassionate, loving, giving, and strong. I do not regret who I have become because I am the absolute best that I can be

Life is never fair.

My mom has told me that from the start. Things in life aren't easy and things are rarely handed to you. Be thankful for what you have and stop focusing on what you want. Being comfortable in your own skin is more important than getting that "hot" guy to notice you, or wishing you were that "beautiful" girl. Life is a gift and every positive thing in it is a blessing. Difficult times make us stronger and give us the gift of being able to realize how lucky we really are.

Nothing should be taken for granted, life is too short for "what ifs".

I'm still alive!

I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been pretty busy. I had a few midterms and I survived them. I've also been making a conscious effort to do things for myself. I had made an appointment with a counsellor to help me through my tough times, which was a big step for me. Although it is a kind of unique counsellor, it's a free service offered through my mom's work and the person will be call me for the session, which will take place over the phone. I don't know how I feel about this but we shall see how that goes.

I have also contacted the secretary to the dean of students at school so that my professors may be notified that I am going through some tough personal issues and that my focus may be skewed for a while.

Lastly I am getting a tattoo. Many people have different reasons for getting tattoos and a lot of people are against them. But to each their own. I have always been intrigued with the idea of getting a tattoo but I didn't want to get some random thing that I thought was cute or pretty, I wanted to get something that meant a lot to me and that I wouldn't ever regret. Since my goal is to become a teacher I know that I have to appear professional.... so after great thought I have decided to get the tattoo on my upper back because it can be hidden quite easily.

My tattoo will incorporate 3 cherry blossoms, my Aries symbol, and the words Live, Laugh, Love.Each of those things are significant to me. First of all the number 3 is significant all on its own. It represents soo many things varying from culture to culture. But for me, I like the idea of past present and future. The past has helped shaped me into who I am today, and I have no regrets, I am who I am because of it, and my future is mysterious and unknown, but I am looking forward to it.

Next the cherry blossoms. I did a lot of research about this and found several different interpretations of the meanings. The one that resonated the most with me was the Japanese version of it where it talks of the brevity of life, and how precious it is. It's important to know that when you are going through tough times they will eventually end and you will be stronger because of it. I have always been interested in zodiac signs and such, and my Aries symbol has meant a lot to me throughout the years, so it was a no brainer to involve that in my tattoo.

And finally Live, Laugh, Love. I chose to add this in at the last minute. My mom has always loved this phrase and we have a few trinkets in our home the say it. But it truly is important. These are the things that are important in life, and to me. I want to live each day to the fullest, laughing will always be my best medicine, and there is no other feeling like loving and being loved.

For all these reasons and more this tattoo will be important to me. I am doing this for me. I am not doing it because other people have them or it is "cool". This represents a lot to me and to have it with me forever will just remind me of what I need to focus on.

I think I'm coming out of my dark stage, I'm thinking positive and I'm looking to heal myself.

What's important?

I'm so conflicted right now, my personal family issues are taking over my mind. I cannot concentrate on school and I am torn between what I am expected to do. I had 3 midterms last week, and I didn't do anywhere near enough studying as I should have and I am worried that my marks are going to reflect that. I've already got one mark back and it was a 50!! I've never got that low of mark, EVER!

But do these mark REALLY matter? I mean does this mark actually dictate how intelligent I am, and does this class test my skills that I will need once I begin my career? No i don't think so.

So why am I so upset about this mark? Because I have been socialized to believe that marks reflect your intelligence and dictate how far you will go. I know I am an intelligent person, and I want to believe that I can achieve all my goals, but school has that possibility of holding me back, and I am terrified because I know I need school to do anything.

UGH yet when I am faced with all these family problems, I am able to see how much more important human suffering is over stupid marks and tests. I honestly wish the only thing I had to worry about was school, and then perhaps I could prove that I am smart. But alas with all the family problems I am unable to focus and I'm hurting all the time.....

I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore....

PDA - NOT OK

I am definitely against PDA. I don't mind couples holding hands or the random smooch. But please no making out and/or fondling in public. Seriously we get you are together now get away from me and get a room.

Honestly there is no need for it. If you can't keep your hands off each other find somewhere to do it where you won't be disturbing those around you. Because HELLO no one wants to see that! We get that you are a couple , congrats, now move on and let me continue with my day.

Any small show of affection is cute, endearing even. But over the top is completely unnecessary. What you do together is private and should stay that way, your relationship doesn't need to be flaunted around everyone else so you can tell them " He/she is mine".

Just because I'm passing you on the sidewalk or hallway does not mean I want your man, so rather than getting all up on him, try smiling and being pleasant, with any touching at a minimum.

K thx!

Tears from stone

Well today was the big day. My Dad was moved to the nursing home. But not without a fight. This morning when the nurses informed him (again) that he was going to a nursing home he was enraged and refused to go. I was contacted and began to panic because if he didn't go he would loose the bed and I didn't know what would happen. After about an hour of the nurses/doctors/social worker talking to my father they finally got it through to him that there was no other choice and that he MUST go.

So he went, against his will.

I arrived to the nursing home about ten minutes after he had arrived. I brought him more clothing and such. I went to his room to see how he was doing and he was just sitting there, still in the hospital clothes and unshowered. His face was red and he was tapping his foot rather vigorously (clear indication of his anger). I say hi to him and talk about how nice it is there and how great the people are but he makes no response. I start to unpack a few of his things while continuing to talk to him, and he still remains silent. I finally turn to him and ask him if he is going to talk to me at all....he shakes his head.

At this point I don't know what to do, I tell him that this is the best place for him that he will feel much more at home here than at the hospital and that he can make friends. And then a few solitary tears run down his face and he tries to hide them.

I have NEVER seen my father cry. I didn't know what to do. There I was facing the man that used to be big and strong and whom I believed could face anything in the world and conquer....and he was crying, helplessly.

I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't hold myself together....I tried to hide my tears but it was impossible. I had to leave because staying there wasn't helping either of us. I went to the front desk and the nurse started talking to me saying how sad it was and how young he was, and I broke down again in front of the nurses and patients, but I didn't care. The man who used to think I was his entire world now basically hated me and was crying because I put him here.

When I start crying it's hard to stop so I had to pull myself together as best I could and just get out of there. Half-way across the parking lot I had a mental breakdown. The image of that helpless man sitting there silently crying was burned into my mind and it was breaking me. I got in my car and went home, sobbing the whole way.

Usually if I'm upset in public I can hide it relatively alright, but not today. With my face streaked with tears and my makeup melted everywhere. I avoiding eye contact with the many people who saw me. I got home and called my mom. I could barely speak. I was at the point where I sound like I'm five and I'm struggling for air. My mom came home on her lunch break to comfort me. But nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm 19 and my 50 year old father is in a nursing home, where he will live for the rest of his life. AND he resents me.

When does the pain stop? Why did this have to happen to him? And why can't I get over it?

I'm sick of crying and hurting and wishing for better days. I want happiness, that's all I want. But it seems always just out of reach. One day things have to turn around, life is not meant to be all bad.

After all tough times don't last, and tough people do.

Father right?

So as some of you may know from my previous posts my father is in the hospital. He has alcoholic dementia. Anyways he's been in the hospital for about 3 months now and on Friday we got the good news that he would be moved to a nursing home on Monday, as he is unable to care for himself.

So today I went to the hospital to visit with him and to bring him some clothes to wear for his journey over to the home, and the social worker told me it would do well to be honest with him. So I told him that he was finally getting out of the hospital (he seemed excited at this), and that he was going to live in a nursing home (significantly less excited now). At this he accused me of going behind his back and making arrangements without his consent.

So I tried to change the subjects because he tends to argue a lot but in a short while will forget what the argument was about. Not today. He continued pressing asking who was in on this and that he was never going there. I ignored this hostility and rather asked him if there was anything he'd like me to bring in for him (candy,books, deodorant, movies etc.) and he responded with "I don't want a thing, just a family that cares for me, and it's clear I don't have one of those". OUCH!!

I knew he wouldn't be thrilled about going to a nursing home because he has always been a proud man, but I didn't think it would make him want to disown me. So now I've been led to thinking I'm a) a bad daughter b)inconsiderate and selfish of his feelings and c) unwanted. But I suppose this is where I am supposed to remind myself that he is a sick man, and that he doesn't really mean the hurtful things he says......or does he??

UGH another day of hurt feelings by that sick man who gave me life

Contagious...

Good moods are contagious! Soo be happy and cheer every one up around you! I am in a particularly silly mood and although I am alone right now I feel pretty fan-freaking-tastic!

So try it out! Smile laugh and pass it on! :D

~Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!

Emabarassing Videos...singing/crying

I love to sing, I personally think Im pretty amazing, but I believe a lot of people think that they are. And a lot of people are just plain tone deaf and they can sometimes be rather painful to listen to. But with the music loud enough pretty much anyone can sound just like the artist (as long as you're no competing to try and be louder!)

At my sister's first wedding I was eight and as my present to her I sang a song. I sang in front of 200+ guests and made a small mistake but I loved it! I sang I'll be your candle on the water (you know that song in Pete's Dragon). Ya and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn cute. But watching that video kind of embarrasses me because I know the mistake I made but no one else notices right away. But ya my point is I could make a could singer, most likely country because my voice sounds best singing along with country songs lol!

Ugh that made me think of my sisters second wedding (she was really young at her first wedding). Anyways...at her 2nd wedding I was 18 and the maid of honour. Then the time came for speeches (my other sister and I said our speeches together because we don't like talking in front of lots people), I said mine first. Now I can be pretty mushy and during a few points in my speech my voice cracked. But I held it together....until then end o f my speech where I looked at my sister (the bride) and broke down, like full out sobbing but I was half crying half laughing and basically it looked like I was struggling for air. My other sister found this comical and she decided to announce to the rest of the guests that she doesn't cry like me (at which time everyone laughed). lol now any time we watch the wedding video I have to leave the room when Im talking either because I'll get all emotional again or I'll be embarrassed.

So I've come to the conclusion that I don't particularly like seeing myself on video and am extra critical of myself. Oh well I'm not famous (...yet) so I don't need to worry about these kind of things! Just wait world one day I'll be topping the charts with my phenomenal voice! hah!

A picture is worth a thousand words!!! :)

I just printed off a whole bunch of pictures from the last few months and have updated my room with lots of them. I love photos and I have them all over my room. Some people believe that your bedroom should be a place of peace and serenity so there shouldn't be photos of people. But I clearly don't agree with this. I love looking at photos of some the best times I've had with my friends. They will always cheer me up even if it's only for a little while.

I love being surrounded with these photos because even if the people in them aren't near me I can see them whenever I choose and that makes me happy :) So I now have an obscene amount of photos in my room but that's how I roll!!

So keep those that you love close always! <3

A Person Is ALWAYS a Person FIRST!

Sooo I really don't like it when people judge others about things they can't changed. FOR example : "There's a down syndrome person", it should be said instead like "There's a person with down syndrome". (not that I'm condoning pointing this out it's just an example).

Basically my point is that we are all PEOPLE no matter if we are tall, short, big, little, white, asian,black, smart, slow, popular, loner ish, funny, dull, young, old, etc! We all have something in common and it's about time people realize that we are all going through life and we all deal with problems no matter how big or small. We need to stop criticizing and start loving and accepting.

Bullying, teasing, and unnecessary things really shouldn't happen. Especially when you are old enough to know better. But even in university where I am surrounding by many young adults who are supposed to have reached a certain level of maturity tend to judge others. Just today I heard someone say "maybe she should cut back on the donuts". This was not directed at me but another girl who was a little heavy set. Now I don't think it's fair to make judgements when you don't know all the facts.

To be fair I know it's hard to not notice people but if you are going to judge them at all judge them in a positive light, like thinking or saying how much you love their hair/clothes/style etc. Compliments will get you a lot further than derogatory comments.

Well that's all I've got to say bout that ttyl! :)

Communication....REQUIRED!!

No relationship will survive without the vital necessity that is communication! This includes boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, family members, ANYONE. It's really starting to bug me. This also ties into the whole fake thing. If you want a relationship to last you MUST put effort into it. I love it when I know someone is putting effort into staying close to me, it makes me feel wanted :)

Just knowing the little things that's going on in someone else's life is knowledge that you're privy to, be thankful for it. But that's not to say that if you don't talk to a friend who's away means you're no longer friends. You are friends as long as they stay in your heart and mind! (All my friends are there always xo)

Communication is what keeps a close connection between you and the ones you love. And although I'm shy I do know how to talk. I like to love and be loved. It makes all the hard times worth it.

I am who I am, accept it or not, I'm not changing. I've lost touch with many people in my life and whether or not they are by my side today, they have helped make me who I am. I hold no grudges and love each and every person who has ever been in my life no matter how long they were around for. They made me who I am.

If you want me to stay in your life, for a day, a year, or a lifetime I am going to need some communication.

So remember to talk, communicate and always love! Life's too short for regrets! :) xo

Thanksgiving Weekend!

Happy Thanksgiving weekend to all the Canadians out there! This year is a bit different for me for thanksgiving. For the past 18 years I have gone to my grandmas house for thanksgiving and all my cousins, and aunts and uncles would be there. But this year we aren't going. I was pretty upset needless to say.

Since my immediate family has grown and there are 4 little kids we wont be going down to see the rest of the fam this year. Thanksgiving always used to be my favorite holiday because I love spending time with the family, especially the people in my family I don't get to see very often. But the times they are a changing so I guess I should be open to new traditions.

Well that's all I've got for now, sorry for the shortness! But I must put some stuff together so I can head out to my sisters for the beginning of a new tradition! xo

Be who YOU are and be that Perfectly!!

It's hard to figure out who you are, what your purpose is, what you want to get out of life, and where you're going. But doing things that others do because THEY are doing them, doesn't mean it's right for you. I understand that you are confused and you think that well if that works for them I'm going to do it.

I'm not a controlling person, at all. But people need to realize that copying others is not the way for them to find happiness. Sure, a monetary happiness may be gained, but nothing long term. You have to do what's right to you. Not what's popular, cool, or something that you think others will be interested in. You don't do things so you can say you do them. You do it for yourself. At least you should.

Finding oneself is a hard task but you have to look within in yourself and love you for you. So if you are a jock/nerd/average/studious/tall/short/thick/thin/blonde/brunette/red-head/Caucasian/African/Asian/Greek/Italian/Spanish WHATEVER you are, don't try to be ANYTHING else BUT that.

STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU!!!

Now I'm not encouraging reckless and/or dangerous behavior, just don't try to impress someone by doing something you think they may like, it's not worth it.

OKAY I'm done. Peace out! xo

Back When It Was Simple

Lately I've found myself wishing that I could be a kid again. No bills, little responsibility, no job, no worries. It was all good. And now I know that I should have listened to those adults who told me enjoy your childhood it goes by too fast, I now know exactly what they meant.

When we were kids our parents would protect us from the harsh realities of the world. They took care of us and showed us how to make good choices. People were almost always pleasant to you and everyone was your friend. You could wear whatever you wanted to and not be judged. You could play for hours and hours with barely any toys by using your imagination.

But those days are gone, lost, and missed dearly.

As a child I didn't realize how good I had it, until I hit 13 and reality hit me hard. My dad had an a affair and my family was falling apart. The world showed me its dark side.

From that fateful day (November 4, 2002) onwards my life has been no stranger to misery. I have dealt with a lot of difficult things. But they have only made me stronger, and given me the ability to appreciate the small joys in life.

My life is FAR from normal, or perfect. But it is still my life an I refuse to let it go. Things could be worse, and I have to be thankful for what I do have. I do miss those good ol' childhood days, but there's no point looking back, I have to keep my head up and look ahead to my future.

Carrie Underwood = YAY

So I just got home from the Carrie Underwood concert and it was awesome! She is such a talented artist and is beautiful, especially because she's real and down to earth. Which got me to thinking....

I really don't like fake people. I've already touched on this a few times in previous posts but trying to be someone you are not is pointless. If you are big boned (like myself) then you are just going to have to accept that you are never going to be a size 2, but WHO CARES!? Be happy with who you are. Looks fade with time but a personality lasts forever. When someone is beautiful on the inside they emanate beauty outwards which in turn attracts people to them.

I used to not like that saying "beautiful on the inside", because I thought it implied that you were ugly on the outside. But it doesn't imply that at all. Beauty is such a tough word to describe because there is no ONE characteristic that beauty describes. I like to believe everyone has beauty somewhere within in them. Yet no two people are beautiful in the same way.

In today's culture too much focus is placed on appearances and that puts too much pressure on EVERYONE! I just want to be comfortable with who I am and spend less time caring about how I look or how others see me, because even in just a couple short years the fashion mistakes I made will have been forgotten but the person I was will be something to remember.

Who Needs Materialistic Crap!?

I have a sister who is rather materialistic. She seems to be more concerned with how her house looks/how she looks/how her kids look than how much quality time she spends with the kids. I personally think that her priorities are seriously out of order.

Sure, materialistic things are nice to have. But to they fulfill your life? Give you incentive to work hard? Maybe for some people. Not me. If you don't make commitments to people, and work hard to make those relationships good and strong life just is not complete. Relationships are WAY more important than a house full of things. I think you can tell a persons worth by the people they surround themselves with. When I meet someone and they are sincere and kind those attributes are so much more appealing than a large bank account and a whole bunch of trinkets.

I've grown up modestly, my family never had a lot of money, we got by but we were my no means rich. We got the necessities and that's all we needed. Fancy toys and clothes don't make you a better person.

Last year for Christmas my sister bought a ridiculous amount of toys for her children. Some of those toys are still in packages. Now to me this is just wasteful. It would be better to say buy each child a toy they really want or something that has some educational value to it and then clothes and such. Then buy a large family gift, like a game that can be enjoyed by the whole family and allows for family time. Spending time with your family is an invaluable gift, one I wish wouldn't be as squandered as it has been lately, especially for me.

Lately my one sister seems to think that if we aren't spending every spare second by her side we're going against. Yet every time she calls we are there by her side, only to be yelled and screamed at for no apparent reason. Take for example today: it was my nephew's 2nd birthday party and my mom and I went over to my sisters house to help prepare dinner. I also agreed to go help her pick up pumpkins with her for the front of the house (because god forbid you don't have pumpkins right this second!?). Anyways it somehow ended up with my sister yelling at us for spending time with the kids instead of helping her. Whatever we left there was anger, blah!

Soooo I have gone on quite the rant. But the moral of this post is that I could care less about materialistic things. I would rather be the poorest person with a close family and close friends whom I love and care about and see as much as possible than the richest person in the world who had a huge house with everything my heart could desire in it. Life is too short for nonsense, if you keep planning and continue focusing on THINGS life will pass you by, make time for friends, family and loved ones. Worry about the rest of it later.

They Say What You Want to Hear

Do friends tell you things you want to hear, or are they being honest. When our own view of ourselves is skewed we tend to not want to believe what our friends are saying because they have to say that to you.

I have never been one with high self-esteem, and when friends and/or family tell me I am amazing/beautiful/talented etc I refuse to believe them, simply thinking they are saying it to me because they have to. I felt for the longest time that to be considered beautiful I had to have a guy tell me so. Well this is NOT the case. If you cannot accept that you are a wonderful person than no matter who tells you otherwise you won't believe them.

Life is not over if you don't have a boyfriend. Sure, they're nice to have and it's another person to love you, but when you are young it is definitely not what one should stress over. I understand that if you are single and your friends aren't you are automatically going to assume there is something wrong with you, but this is not the case. No one wants to settle on any old guy just to say they have a boyfriend. You want to find someone who's : caring, considerate, kind, fun, intelligent enough to carry on meaningful conversations, and someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I know that's a lot of criteria but to be truly happy one cannot settle.

So if you are single think of it this way : you are young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you, most of which time you will spend being married and 90% of young people plan on getting married. So take this time to enjoy your friends, go out to parties and essentially just have FUN. Because when you get a bit older and married things will be different. You want to get your partying out of your system now.

Being single is not all that bad, and being critical of yourself due to the fact you are single just isn't fair. When your friends tell you are beautiful, amazing, talented etc, BELIEVE THEM!!! They love you and don't like seeing you upset.

Now people may choose to not believe me on the basis as I do have a boyfriend. But I do understand how you feel. I have been there and have been depressed over the same things. And I'm offering my advice so that less people have to go through it. A guy that's right for you will come along when you least expect it.

Now start celebrating who you are and love yourself because that is what needs to be addressed first and foremost!!

Sending out my love to everyone! xo

New Duvet Adventure

So yesterday I made a trek to the mall to purchase a new duvet. Now I wanted a really nice, thick, and squishy one so I looked for the biggest bag. It also cannot be a down duvet as I am allergic to feathers, which is upsetting because usually the down ones are the nicest.

Anyways, I found one and it was magnificently thick and I loved it. AND it was on 50% off (perfect no?). So I get up to the cash and she charges me full price, at which I argue and say there was a large sign and there were several just like it on sale. She proceeds to call the department and they tell her its not on sale. I then whip out the ad in the flyer (I'm pretty cool I know) and sure enough it is on sale. (Ugh I really don't enjoy these kinds of shenanigans). She apologizes and offers me a card thing that if I sign up for I get an extra 10% off, OK so I do that.

I get home and am thrilled as I open the bag and I pull it out only to see it's way too small, I look at the tag and sure enough it says Queen. And THEN I look at the bag, it was a Gel Fibre Bed (WTF?) so I was clearly not impressed.

So after all the turmoil I faced in the store I must now return my purchase and continue my search for a perfect duvet. Oh the trials and tribulations of my life :S

Sleep, a Dream? And FRIENDS!

Sooo today I had a fantastic sleep in! It was pretty exciting, and apparently note worthy enough to talk about here!

While sleeping I had a rather strange dream. I don't remember all the details but it essentially was me counting all the voting ballets for the presidential elections, and Barack Obama won! Now this is weird 1. Because I am Canadian and 2. I'm really uninvolved in anything political. So ya strange dream.

But I do love dreaming! Its a fun escape from reality.

ALSO when I woke up I happened to notice some pictures on my wall of my friends that are away at school. And I realized how much I miss them! Its tough being away from close friends because you think that they are experiencing all these things without you and in turn you are drifting as friends. But that can't be true because I know I miss them all the time and still love them just as much as if they were here. I just have to remember that just because there are some miles between us does not been it's putting distant between us. Miss u and love u guys!! M.H, S.T, S.P, N.S xoxoxoxoox

My life would not be complete with out my friends. They make me who I am and are always there to support me! Awww I'm in a very nostalgic mood! lol!

Soooo bloggers make sure those whom you love know it!!! :D

Snooze button...again

I really dont enjoy waking up to my alarm, yet I know it is a necessity because I wouldnt wake up early without it. But its soo sudden and not a very peaceful way to wake up. For a while I tried waking up to music from my ipod but then I would just lie there and listen to my sweet beats so it defeated the purpose as an alarm. I ALWAYS press the snooze button, and lay there for at least 5 more mintues. I am far from what one would call a morning person. I much rather wake up on my own whenever that may be and be happy about it. Oh well you got to do what you got to do.



I am especially not enjoying that its getting to that time of year when it's dark outside when you wake up early. Nothing about that is fun. Oh well right now its my favourite season. I love pretty much everything about fall so hopefully I can put my self in a good mood by stepping on some extra crunchy leaves today.



On another positive note it was raining as I fell asleep last night and I love falling asleep to the pitter patter of rain on the house! :) lol



Im feeling in a comfort kind of mood, so Ill be wearing my yoga pants and sweartshirt today. Afterall today is my hell day. I am on campus for 12 hours. And 9.5 of those hours are spent in lecture. UGH. Jealous much?? Ya didn't think so, I wouldnt be either.

Quotes That Matter

So I was in the kitchen grabbing a glass of water and happen to notice two newspaper cut-outs on the fridge. They are each quotes that were printed in the paper as power thoughts for the day. Here they are:

"When you feel incapable or unable to fulfill the task believe in yourself and discover the power that is available to those who will search with all their might."

AND

"Worry never solved a problem, healed a broken relationship or brought a positive result. Worry is a waste of energy. Begin to speak words of confidence and assurance to bring life to a dreary situation."

I think both of these are phenomenal! They make you think about how to bring yourself out of the dumps and focus on the good opposed to the bad. Just little reminders we all need to think of ourselves as special, valued, and loved!

Thanks goes to my Mom for cutting out these nice little quotes! :)

Science Fiction = Not 4 Me!!

So I am taking this speculative fiction course that focuses on science fiction (when I enrolled in it I was not aware of its focus). Anyways I have to take it as it's one of the required courses since I am minoring in English.





Anyways I am reading this book We by Yevgeny Zamyatin. And apparently it is "the most influential science fiction novel of the 20th century".

Well I care to disagree. The book's setting is way in our future and everyone lives in this walled in world of glass. Everyone wears a uniform and they are identified by letters and numerics (ie. I-330, D-503). They follow the "Table of Hours" where every hour of every day has a prescribed meaning. Their ideal (according to their "One State") is when nothing happens anymore. AKA every action must be pre-conceived and planned. Now to me this seems way too out there and I just cannot understand how this can be influential when it is suggesting that it is better to be without a soul and without an imagination. Life without imagination, choice, and soul seems dull and boring. But maybe I am mis-interpreting it all together but from now on I'm going to stick to the classics!

But don't go by me! Give it a read yourself, because don't get me wrong it is interesting!

Procrastinations!

I am one of the WORST procrastinators you will ever encounter. I have always been like this. In elementary school when essays and research projects were introduced I would always wait to the last minute to begin. I can distinctively remember one year for our math fair I would do the project on my own. BIG MISTAKE. If someone else is involved that motivates me to get going! So I did my project on optical illusions. I bought my bristol board like a week before the fair (impressive I know) and did a little research. The night before the fair I have not put anything on my bristol board. Needless to say I didn't win a prize at the fair as I glued things on crookedly and didn't have enough info. You think this would teach me, but no, no that's not how I roll.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not what one would call a bad student, I always get my stuff in on time and I never fail, so kudos to me. But I am always up late the night before an assignment is due pulling together all the loose ends and making it presentable (this being the case last night when I had to do a book response :S).

Ooo I just thought of a prime example of my procrastination at its best. Last year I took a philosophy course that had essays due each month. Well I kept on putting off this one essay because I had other seemingly more important things to do. Well I wake up one Monday morning and begin getting ready for my 9:00 class. I happen to look at my calender and see my philosophy essay is due that day! *Gasp* Well I got down to work asap. I skipped my morning class and was able to finish my 4 page essay by 12 for my class at 12:30. YAY. Thank goodness the essay was just my own personal thoughts on Plato's something or other. And I even pulled off 70% on that paper, so not bad for the morning rush.

My excuse has always been I work better under pressure. But I know that if I started things earlier I'd be a lot closer to the potential genius within me that's waiting to escape! lol! I truly envy those of you who are able to commit to a project and get to it right away!!

PS: I even procrastinated on blogging as I got distracted! hehehe

My Warm and Fuzzies

I feel like thinking happy thoughts, and the best way to do that?? Think of the things that I love, those moments, memories, or whatever else that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! lol! So here they are:

1. Experiencing a moment when you think "I'll remember this moment forever". The moment doesn't even have to seem that significant, something a simple as hanging out in your friends basement and just having a really good time.

2. Laughing so hard your stomach hurts. It's true what they say, laughing is definitely the best medicine!

3. Singing along to a song you absolutely LOVE. Now I have to admit I usually only sing when I'm by myself, but I love it just the same!

4. Dancing like nobodies watching. I am a HORRIBLE dancer and I know it, but when I'm out with my girlies and we are having a good time I love to dance with my horrible dance moves, it feels exhilarating.

5. Completing a task and/or goal. This could be a ton of things, such as finishing a book, an exam, an essay, cleaning the house, paying off a loan, or loosing 5 pounds. I just like taking that moment and being semi-proud of myself for accomplishing something, no matter how small the task may seem.

6. Playing with puppies or babies. Who doesn't love puppies?? They are adorable fuzzy and cute (yes perhaps this one is a tad juvenile but puppies make me happy). And I love babies, I have two adorable twin baby nieces, a 5 year old niece, and a 2 year old nephew and I cherish all the moments I get to spend with them and do my baby talk and play with barbies, hot wheels, and dolls. I like acting like a kid again, even if it's only for a short while when I take a break from reality.

7. Looking at photos. I have come by my love for photos naturally, growing up my mother took pictures of everything and we have boxes upon boxes of photo albums! It's great to look back on all those times that have helped shaped you into who you are today.

8. Seeing a loved one after being apart for awhile. It just fills me with happiness to see a friend coming home from school for the weekend, or seeing my cousin after a few months. It just reminds me that no matter the distance we don't forget about each other and we are always there for one another.

9. Doing something (no matter how big or small) for someone else that brings a big smile to their face. I love giving, that doesn't necessarily mean gifts (after all I am a student on a budget), but lending a helping hand around the house, sending someone mail that may brighten their day, anything really, its fun!

10. Surprises! I LOVE surprises. From things like a surprise visit, from a friend, or a bouquet of flowers from the boyfriend. Its a reminder from those around you that they love you and care for you.

11. Meeting new people/making new friends. I am a shy person, and I know it, but that doesn't mean I don't like meeting new people. I like having lots of people close to me, it does take a lot of time and effort but it's worth it. To measure one's accomplishments should not be based on money and materialistic things but rather the people they love and have made a difference in their lives, those are the things that really count.

Well that's all I can think of for right now, plus I best be getting to my homework! Later! xo

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

So my one sister Rose and her kids have been living with us for a few weeks now because she is separated from her husband (this was a long time coming so I'm past the "I'm sooo sorry this is happening to you part) and I'm pretty much going insane. Rose is the type of person that shouldn't have had children, I think she only did it because she thought it was the next logical step. But she is way too self absorbed to be a mother and doesn't understand the concept of put yourself last. Don't get me wrong these kids have everything and are not hard done by. Anyways Rose is also really helpless and lazy so my mom and I have gone out of our way to help her in every way, while changing our schedules to accommodate her. Now one would think that when anyone at all helps you in any way you show appreciation?? Well apparently that's a tough concept for Rose.

She'll thank us sure, but no real show of gratitude. Now I'm not asking for a parade in honour of my efforts but at least to be treated with respect and perhaps (heaven forbid) even help out a little around the house (that HER children are making a COMPLETE disaster of). But NO, Rose sits around and watches my mom and I take care of HER children, and clean up after them, and discipline them, and wash dishes, and do laundry and clean. The way Rose thinks completely baffles me! I mean she makes big deals out of nothing, she gets upset and cranky way too easily with her kids, and I can do all of this and then some all while keeping my cool, and I'm ten years younger than her!

I could be being childish but I need to vent and this seems to be the right place to do it! Any suggestions on what I should do next??

Talk at u later! xo

Optimism??

What we need is a little more cheer, a little less drama, and no more pessimism. In today's society you are seen as optimistic if you believe you are going to make it through your day unscathed. Well I say its time for us to be happy again!

Of course there is always going to be negative things going on that you could choose to get bent out of shape about, but who is that going to help?? No one! Simple things like smiling do a WORLD of wonder! Smiling when you answer the telephone (the caller can tell I assure you!), smiling when you make eye contact with strangers, smiling to the cashier even when you are having a bad day, because odds are they know how you feel.

We all need to find acceptable outlets for our anger and stress, because bottling it all up and being a big grump is no fun for anyone! Make time for yourself and try harder to be happy! You deserve it and Im giving you permission to indulge!

Peace out bloggers!

Tears Don't Fix Anything..

My father has been an alcoholic for over 30 years. His alcohol intake increased significantly once he and my mom split and this past may he lost his job which pushed him further in this downward spiral. I've never been close to this man as he never made an effort to be part of my life, nor did he pay child support. Anyways at the end of July something "snapped" in him. After a days worth of drinking he got in his van and drove off, eventually wrapping it around a telephone pole. He miraculously walked away unscathed from the accident and went wondering. Eight hours later the police recovered him sleeping on someones front lawn in the neighbourhood I grew up in. The cops took him into the station assuming he was drunk and were just waiting from him to sleep it off. When this did not happen they brought him to the hospital.

My dad has now been in the hospital for over 7 weeks. He has a mentally disability that is easiest described as alcoholic dementia. He has no recollection of why he is there and believes there is nothing wrong with him. No matter how much I may say this man is no "Dad" to me he is still my father and he has been "present" throughout my life, well physically at least. The news of his situation reached me 3 days after he was admitted, and naturally I did not take it so well and began to blame myself for not being involved with him. I went to visit him almost everyday for several hours the first few weeks with my grandmother, but this did nothing but depress me and mentally drain me. My grandma is of little to no support for me because she is the type of person that believes this is happening to her and everything she has to say is "woe is me". Being strong for other people to lean on is an extremely tough position to be in.

Today I went to visit my father because a doctor was coming in to assess him so that my father could be placed in the system and be put on the waiting list for a nursing home. But my dad is a stubborn, combative man. He refused to talk to the doctor, claiming he was a spy and that no one was to be trusted. He then turned on me and blamed me for this entire situation. I held myself together well in front of everyone there and was commended on my maturity. But as soon as I drove away in my car the tears were streaming down and I was back to square one, blaming myself.

I've come to believe that crying is an emotional outlet, but it fixes nothing. Your problems are still there when you're through and on top of that you feel sick and unhappy. So my solution: take everything with a grain of salt. Tough it out. Life is a continuous lesson and we will continue to be tested everyday. With every problem I face I become a little tougher, and a lot stronger. I depend on me!

Life's too short for drama fellow bloggers! So live it up!

Fantastically Flawed!

I try to pride myself on the fact that I am a genuinely good person, Im caring, kind and considerate. I try to never judge others for who they are and I am as accepting as I can be. But as a teenager Im clearly exposed to the media and what they think we should all be.

Not everyone can have flawless skin, size 2 jeans, perfect hair, and that amazingly cute flirty personality, but many sure do attempt it. And I'm not going to lie, I have in the past tried to be someone Im not. But I only end up asking myself why? I'm never going to be petite, or look perfect all the time. Im 5 foot 9, and a size 8. I have blonde wavy hair that is often frizzy. I get the odd pimple and I love food! Do I wish I were thinner?? All the time! But in reality I am me, and although Im far from perfection I do try to love being me!

And all u bloggers out there trying to be someone you're not either to fit in or impress someone...STOP! The only person that needs impressing is u!

Newbie to blogging...my general life story

Well here I am sick at home looking for something to do and I come across a blogging site. So naturally I am drawn to create my own.

So I live at home with my 58 year old mom, who has been divorced twice and is now happily dating. Her first marriage was to a large alcholic, Paul, who would often become aggressive when drunk. But of course this side did not show up until after their nuptials. From that marriage she had two daughters Lynn, and Rose. Paul left her when they were 6 and 3, leaving my mom in the city with all her family back home. She was forced to become independant and strong (two attributes that I admire most about her).

She then entered the dating scene, and thats when she encountered my father, Warren. They dated for a short while, became pregnant with me, got married and moved in together. They were married for 14 years, not to say that all those years were happy. My dad is what you would call a dead-beat dad. He was also an alcoholic, but instead of aggression he was lazy and very uninvolved in life. So on their 14th anniversary my mom decides to break the news that they will be seperating due to the fact that my father had an affair. Naturally I did not take the news well. But within a year we had moved to our own townhouse and I saw my father on holidays and special occasions. Not that that was a huge deal.

I've failed to mention my relationship with my sisters (well half-sisters). I love them both and am especially close with the eldest, Lynn. Rose is your typical middle child, she's selfish and is dependant upon everyone around her. Rose has two children Blake (2 yrs), and Eve (5yrs). Lynn also kids, twin daughters Mae and Sydney (7 months), I adore them all.

So my life has not exactly been filled with luxuries or picture perfect times, but it has shaped me into the person I am today and I think that I've turned out alright.

Well peace out bloggers! Talk at u later! xo