Tears from stone

Well today was the big day. My Dad was moved to the nursing home. But not without a fight. This morning when the nurses informed him (again) that he was going to a nursing home he was enraged and refused to go. I was contacted and began to panic because if he didn't go he would loose the bed and I didn't know what would happen. After about an hour of the nurses/doctors/social worker talking to my father they finally got it through to him that there was no other choice and that he MUST go.

So he went, against his will.

I arrived to the nursing home about ten minutes after he had arrived. I brought him more clothing and such. I went to his room to see how he was doing and he was just sitting there, still in the hospital clothes and unshowered. His face was red and he was tapping his foot rather vigorously (clear indication of his anger). I say hi to him and talk about how nice it is there and how great the people are but he makes no response. I start to unpack a few of his things while continuing to talk to him, and he still remains silent. I finally turn to him and ask him if he is going to talk to me at all....he shakes his head.

At this point I don't know what to do, I tell him that this is the best place for him that he will feel much more at home here than at the hospital and that he can make friends. And then a few solitary tears run down his face and he tries to hide them.

I have NEVER seen my father cry. I didn't know what to do. There I was facing the man that used to be big and strong and whom I believed could face anything in the world and conquer....and he was crying, helplessly.

I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't hold myself together....I tried to hide my tears but it was impossible. I had to leave because staying there wasn't helping either of us. I went to the front desk and the nurse started talking to me saying how sad it was and how young he was, and I broke down again in front of the nurses and patients, but I didn't care. The man who used to think I was his entire world now basically hated me and was crying because I put him here.

When I start crying it's hard to stop so I had to pull myself together as best I could and just get out of there. Half-way across the parking lot I had a mental breakdown. The image of that helpless man sitting there silently crying was burned into my mind and it was breaking me. I got in my car and went home, sobbing the whole way.

Usually if I'm upset in public I can hide it relatively alright, but not today. With my face streaked with tears and my makeup melted everywhere. I avoiding eye contact with the many people who saw me. I got home and called my mom. I could barely speak. I was at the point where I sound like I'm five and I'm struggling for air. My mom came home on her lunch break to comfort me. But nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm 19 and my 50 year old father is in a nursing home, where he will live for the rest of his life. AND he resents me.

When does the pain stop? Why did this have to happen to him? And why can't I get over it?

I'm sick of crying and hurting and wishing for better days. I want happiness, that's all I want. But it seems always just out of reach. One day things have to turn around, life is not meant to be all bad.

After all tough times don't last, and tough people do.