What's important?

I'm so conflicted right now, my personal family issues are taking over my mind. I cannot concentrate on school and I am torn between what I am expected to do. I had 3 midterms last week, and I didn't do anywhere near enough studying as I should have and I am worried that my marks are going to reflect that. I've already got one mark back and it was a 50!! I've never got that low of mark, EVER!

But do these mark REALLY matter? I mean does this mark actually dictate how intelligent I am, and does this class test my skills that I will need once I begin my career? No i don't think so.

So why am I so upset about this mark? Because I have been socialized to believe that marks reflect your intelligence and dictate how far you will go. I know I am an intelligent person, and I want to believe that I can achieve all my goals, but school has that possibility of holding me back, and I am terrified because I know I need school to do anything.

UGH yet when I am faced with all these family problems, I am able to see how much more important human suffering is over stupid marks and tests. I honestly wish the only thing I had to worry about was school, and then perhaps I could prove that I am smart. But alas with all the family problems I am unable to focus and I'm hurting all the time.....

I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore....

PDA - NOT OK

I am definitely against PDA. I don't mind couples holding hands or the random smooch. But please no making out and/or fondling in public. Seriously we get you are together now get away from me and get a room.

Honestly there is no need for it. If you can't keep your hands off each other find somewhere to do it where you won't be disturbing those around you. Because HELLO no one wants to see that! We get that you are a couple , congrats, now move on and let me continue with my day.

Any small show of affection is cute, endearing even. But over the top is completely unnecessary. What you do together is private and should stay that way, your relationship doesn't need to be flaunted around everyone else so you can tell them " He/she is mine".

Just because I'm passing you on the sidewalk or hallway does not mean I want your man, so rather than getting all up on him, try smiling and being pleasant, with any touching at a minimum.

K thx!

Tears from stone

Well today was the big day. My Dad was moved to the nursing home. But not without a fight. This morning when the nurses informed him (again) that he was going to a nursing home he was enraged and refused to go. I was contacted and began to panic because if he didn't go he would loose the bed and I didn't know what would happen. After about an hour of the nurses/doctors/social worker talking to my father they finally got it through to him that there was no other choice and that he MUST go.

So he went, against his will.

I arrived to the nursing home about ten minutes after he had arrived. I brought him more clothing and such. I went to his room to see how he was doing and he was just sitting there, still in the hospital clothes and unshowered. His face was red and he was tapping his foot rather vigorously (clear indication of his anger). I say hi to him and talk about how nice it is there and how great the people are but he makes no response. I start to unpack a few of his things while continuing to talk to him, and he still remains silent. I finally turn to him and ask him if he is going to talk to me at all....he shakes his head.

At this point I don't know what to do, I tell him that this is the best place for him that he will feel much more at home here than at the hospital and that he can make friends. And then a few solitary tears run down his face and he tries to hide them.

I have NEVER seen my father cry. I didn't know what to do. There I was facing the man that used to be big and strong and whom I believed could face anything in the world and conquer....and he was crying, helplessly.

I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't hold myself together....I tried to hide my tears but it was impossible. I had to leave because staying there wasn't helping either of us. I went to the front desk and the nurse started talking to me saying how sad it was and how young he was, and I broke down again in front of the nurses and patients, but I didn't care. The man who used to think I was his entire world now basically hated me and was crying because I put him here.

When I start crying it's hard to stop so I had to pull myself together as best I could and just get out of there. Half-way across the parking lot I had a mental breakdown. The image of that helpless man sitting there silently crying was burned into my mind and it was breaking me. I got in my car and went home, sobbing the whole way.

Usually if I'm upset in public I can hide it relatively alright, but not today. With my face streaked with tears and my makeup melted everywhere. I avoiding eye contact with the many people who saw me. I got home and called my mom. I could barely speak. I was at the point where I sound like I'm five and I'm struggling for air. My mom came home on her lunch break to comfort me. But nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm 19 and my 50 year old father is in a nursing home, where he will live for the rest of his life. AND he resents me.

When does the pain stop? Why did this have to happen to him? And why can't I get over it?

I'm sick of crying and hurting and wishing for better days. I want happiness, that's all I want. But it seems always just out of reach. One day things have to turn around, life is not meant to be all bad.

After all tough times don't last, and tough people do.

Father right?

So as some of you may know from my previous posts my father is in the hospital. He has alcoholic dementia. Anyways he's been in the hospital for about 3 months now and on Friday we got the good news that he would be moved to a nursing home on Monday, as he is unable to care for himself.

So today I went to the hospital to visit with him and to bring him some clothes to wear for his journey over to the home, and the social worker told me it would do well to be honest with him. So I told him that he was finally getting out of the hospital (he seemed excited at this), and that he was going to live in a nursing home (significantly less excited now). At this he accused me of going behind his back and making arrangements without his consent.

So I tried to change the subjects because he tends to argue a lot but in a short while will forget what the argument was about. Not today. He continued pressing asking who was in on this and that he was never going there. I ignored this hostility and rather asked him if there was anything he'd like me to bring in for him (candy,books, deodorant, movies etc.) and he responded with "I don't want a thing, just a family that cares for me, and it's clear I don't have one of those". OUCH!!

I knew he wouldn't be thrilled about going to a nursing home because he has always been a proud man, but I didn't think it would make him want to disown me. So now I've been led to thinking I'm a) a bad daughter b)inconsiderate and selfish of his feelings and c) unwanted. But I suppose this is where I am supposed to remind myself that he is a sick man, and that he doesn't really mean the hurtful things he says......or does he??

UGH another day of hurt feelings by that sick man who gave me life

Contagious...

Good moods are contagious! Soo be happy and cheer every one up around you! I am in a particularly silly mood and although I am alone right now I feel pretty fan-freaking-tastic!

So try it out! Smile laugh and pass it on! :D

~Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!

Emabarassing Videos...singing/crying

I love to sing, I personally think Im pretty amazing, but I believe a lot of people think that they are. And a lot of people are just plain tone deaf and they can sometimes be rather painful to listen to. But with the music loud enough pretty much anyone can sound just like the artist (as long as you're no competing to try and be louder!)

At my sister's first wedding I was eight and as my present to her I sang a song. I sang in front of 200+ guests and made a small mistake but I loved it! I sang I'll be your candle on the water (you know that song in Pete's Dragon). Ya and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn cute. But watching that video kind of embarrasses me because I know the mistake I made but no one else notices right away. But ya my point is I could make a could singer, most likely country because my voice sounds best singing along with country songs lol!

Ugh that made me think of my sisters second wedding (she was really young at her first wedding). Anyways...at her 2nd wedding I was 18 and the maid of honour. Then the time came for speeches (my other sister and I said our speeches together because we don't like talking in front of lots people), I said mine first. Now I can be pretty mushy and during a few points in my speech my voice cracked. But I held it together....until then end o f my speech where I looked at my sister (the bride) and broke down, like full out sobbing but I was half crying half laughing and basically it looked like I was struggling for air. My other sister found this comical and she decided to announce to the rest of the guests that she doesn't cry like me (at which time everyone laughed). lol now any time we watch the wedding video I have to leave the room when Im talking either because I'll get all emotional again or I'll be embarrassed.

So I've come to the conclusion that I don't particularly like seeing myself on video and am extra critical of myself. Oh well I'm not famous (...yet) so I don't need to worry about these kind of things! Just wait world one day I'll be topping the charts with my phenomenal voice! hah!

A picture is worth a thousand words!!! :)

I just printed off a whole bunch of pictures from the last few months and have updated my room with lots of them. I love photos and I have them all over my room. Some people believe that your bedroom should be a place of peace and serenity so there shouldn't be photos of people. But I clearly don't agree with this. I love looking at photos of some the best times I've had with my friends. They will always cheer me up even if it's only for a little while.

I love being surrounded with these photos because even if the people in them aren't near me I can see them whenever I choose and that makes me happy :) So I now have an obscene amount of photos in my room but that's how I roll!!

So keep those that you love close always! <3

A Person Is ALWAYS a Person FIRST!

Sooo I really don't like it when people judge others about things they can't changed. FOR example : "There's a down syndrome person", it should be said instead like "There's a person with down syndrome". (not that I'm condoning pointing this out it's just an example).

Basically my point is that we are all PEOPLE no matter if we are tall, short, big, little, white, asian,black, smart, slow, popular, loner ish, funny, dull, young, old, etc! We all have something in common and it's about time people realize that we are all going through life and we all deal with problems no matter how big or small. We need to stop criticizing and start loving and accepting.

Bullying, teasing, and unnecessary things really shouldn't happen. Especially when you are old enough to know better. But even in university where I am surrounding by many young adults who are supposed to have reached a certain level of maturity tend to judge others. Just today I heard someone say "maybe she should cut back on the donuts". This was not directed at me but another girl who was a little heavy set. Now I don't think it's fair to make judgements when you don't know all the facts.

To be fair I know it's hard to not notice people but if you are going to judge them at all judge them in a positive light, like thinking or saying how much you love their hair/clothes/style etc. Compliments will get you a lot further than derogatory comments.

Well that's all I've got to say bout that ttyl! :)

Communication....REQUIRED!!

No relationship will survive without the vital necessity that is communication! This includes boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, family members, ANYONE. It's really starting to bug me. This also ties into the whole fake thing. If you want a relationship to last you MUST put effort into it. I love it when I know someone is putting effort into staying close to me, it makes me feel wanted :)

Just knowing the little things that's going on in someone else's life is knowledge that you're privy to, be thankful for it. But that's not to say that if you don't talk to a friend who's away means you're no longer friends. You are friends as long as they stay in your heart and mind! (All my friends are there always xo)

Communication is what keeps a close connection between you and the ones you love. And although I'm shy I do know how to talk. I like to love and be loved. It makes all the hard times worth it.

I am who I am, accept it or not, I'm not changing. I've lost touch with many people in my life and whether or not they are by my side today, they have helped make me who I am. I hold no grudges and love each and every person who has ever been in my life no matter how long they were around for. They made me who I am.

If you want me to stay in your life, for a day, a year, or a lifetime I am going to need some communication.

So remember to talk, communicate and always love! Life's too short for regrets! :) xo

Thanksgiving Weekend!

Happy Thanksgiving weekend to all the Canadians out there! This year is a bit different for me for thanksgiving. For the past 18 years I have gone to my grandmas house for thanksgiving and all my cousins, and aunts and uncles would be there. But this year we aren't going. I was pretty upset needless to say.

Since my immediate family has grown and there are 4 little kids we wont be going down to see the rest of the fam this year. Thanksgiving always used to be my favorite holiday because I love spending time with the family, especially the people in my family I don't get to see very often. But the times they are a changing so I guess I should be open to new traditions.

Well that's all I've got for now, sorry for the shortness! But I must put some stuff together so I can head out to my sisters for the beginning of a new tradition! xo

Be who YOU are and be that Perfectly!!

It's hard to figure out who you are, what your purpose is, what you want to get out of life, and where you're going. But doing things that others do because THEY are doing them, doesn't mean it's right for you. I understand that you are confused and you think that well if that works for them I'm going to do it.

I'm not a controlling person, at all. But people need to realize that copying others is not the way for them to find happiness. Sure, a monetary happiness may be gained, but nothing long term. You have to do what's right to you. Not what's popular, cool, or something that you think others will be interested in. You don't do things so you can say you do them. You do it for yourself. At least you should.

Finding oneself is a hard task but you have to look within in yourself and love you for you. So if you are a jock/nerd/average/studious/tall/short/thick/thin/blonde/brunette/red-head/Caucasian/African/Asian/Greek/Italian/Spanish WHATEVER you are, don't try to be ANYTHING else BUT that.

STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU!!!

Now I'm not encouraging reckless and/or dangerous behavior, just don't try to impress someone by doing something you think they may like, it's not worth it.

OKAY I'm done. Peace out! xo

Back When It Was Simple

Lately I've found myself wishing that I could be a kid again. No bills, little responsibility, no job, no worries. It was all good. And now I know that I should have listened to those adults who told me enjoy your childhood it goes by too fast, I now know exactly what they meant.

When we were kids our parents would protect us from the harsh realities of the world. They took care of us and showed us how to make good choices. People were almost always pleasant to you and everyone was your friend. You could wear whatever you wanted to and not be judged. You could play for hours and hours with barely any toys by using your imagination.

But those days are gone, lost, and missed dearly.

As a child I didn't realize how good I had it, until I hit 13 and reality hit me hard. My dad had an a affair and my family was falling apart. The world showed me its dark side.

From that fateful day (November 4, 2002) onwards my life has been no stranger to misery. I have dealt with a lot of difficult things. But they have only made me stronger, and given me the ability to appreciate the small joys in life.

My life is FAR from normal, or perfect. But it is still my life an I refuse to let it go. Things could be worse, and I have to be thankful for what I do have. I do miss those good ol' childhood days, but there's no point looking back, I have to keep my head up and look ahead to my future.

Carrie Underwood = YAY

So I just got home from the Carrie Underwood concert and it was awesome! She is such a talented artist and is beautiful, especially because she's real and down to earth. Which got me to thinking....

I really don't like fake people. I've already touched on this a few times in previous posts but trying to be someone you are not is pointless. If you are big boned (like myself) then you are just going to have to accept that you are never going to be a size 2, but WHO CARES!? Be happy with who you are. Looks fade with time but a personality lasts forever. When someone is beautiful on the inside they emanate beauty outwards which in turn attracts people to them.

I used to not like that saying "beautiful on the inside", because I thought it implied that you were ugly on the outside. But it doesn't imply that at all. Beauty is such a tough word to describe because there is no ONE characteristic that beauty describes. I like to believe everyone has beauty somewhere within in them. Yet no two people are beautiful in the same way.

In today's culture too much focus is placed on appearances and that puts too much pressure on EVERYONE! I just want to be comfortable with who I am and spend less time caring about how I look or how others see me, because even in just a couple short years the fashion mistakes I made will have been forgotten but the person I was will be something to remember.

Who Needs Materialistic Crap!?

I have a sister who is rather materialistic. She seems to be more concerned with how her house looks/how she looks/how her kids look than how much quality time she spends with the kids. I personally think that her priorities are seriously out of order.

Sure, materialistic things are nice to have. But to they fulfill your life? Give you incentive to work hard? Maybe for some people. Not me. If you don't make commitments to people, and work hard to make those relationships good and strong life just is not complete. Relationships are WAY more important than a house full of things. I think you can tell a persons worth by the people they surround themselves with. When I meet someone and they are sincere and kind those attributes are so much more appealing than a large bank account and a whole bunch of trinkets.

I've grown up modestly, my family never had a lot of money, we got by but we were my no means rich. We got the necessities and that's all we needed. Fancy toys and clothes don't make you a better person.

Last year for Christmas my sister bought a ridiculous amount of toys for her children. Some of those toys are still in packages. Now to me this is just wasteful. It would be better to say buy each child a toy they really want or something that has some educational value to it and then clothes and such. Then buy a large family gift, like a game that can be enjoyed by the whole family and allows for family time. Spending time with your family is an invaluable gift, one I wish wouldn't be as squandered as it has been lately, especially for me.

Lately my one sister seems to think that if we aren't spending every spare second by her side we're going against. Yet every time she calls we are there by her side, only to be yelled and screamed at for no apparent reason. Take for example today: it was my nephew's 2nd birthday party and my mom and I went over to my sisters house to help prepare dinner. I also agreed to go help her pick up pumpkins with her for the front of the house (because god forbid you don't have pumpkins right this second!?). Anyways it somehow ended up with my sister yelling at us for spending time with the kids instead of helping her. Whatever we left there was anger, blah!

Soooo I have gone on quite the rant. But the moral of this post is that I could care less about materialistic things. I would rather be the poorest person with a close family and close friends whom I love and care about and see as much as possible than the richest person in the world who had a huge house with everything my heart could desire in it. Life is too short for nonsense, if you keep planning and continue focusing on THINGS life will pass you by, make time for friends, family and loved ones. Worry about the rest of it later.

They Say What You Want to Hear

Do friends tell you things you want to hear, or are they being honest. When our own view of ourselves is skewed we tend to not want to believe what our friends are saying because they have to say that to you.

I have never been one with high self-esteem, and when friends and/or family tell me I am amazing/beautiful/talented etc I refuse to believe them, simply thinking they are saying it to me because they have to. I felt for the longest time that to be considered beautiful I had to have a guy tell me so. Well this is NOT the case. If you cannot accept that you are a wonderful person than no matter who tells you otherwise you won't believe them.

Life is not over if you don't have a boyfriend. Sure, they're nice to have and it's another person to love you, but when you are young it is definitely not what one should stress over. I understand that if you are single and your friends aren't you are automatically going to assume there is something wrong with you, but this is not the case. No one wants to settle on any old guy just to say they have a boyfriend. You want to find someone who's : caring, considerate, kind, fun, intelligent enough to carry on meaningful conversations, and someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I know that's a lot of criteria but to be truly happy one cannot settle.

So if you are single think of it this way : you are young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you, most of which time you will spend being married and 90% of young people plan on getting married. So take this time to enjoy your friends, go out to parties and essentially just have FUN. Because when you get a bit older and married things will be different. You want to get your partying out of your system now.

Being single is not all that bad, and being critical of yourself due to the fact you are single just isn't fair. When your friends tell you are beautiful, amazing, talented etc, BELIEVE THEM!!! They love you and don't like seeing you upset.

Now people may choose to not believe me on the basis as I do have a boyfriend. But I do understand how you feel. I have been there and have been depressed over the same things. And I'm offering my advice so that less people have to go through it. A guy that's right for you will come along when you least expect it.

Now start celebrating who you are and love yourself because that is what needs to be addressed first and foremost!!

Sending out my love to everyone! xo

New Duvet Adventure

So yesterday I made a trek to the mall to purchase a new duvet. Now I wanted a really nice, thick, and squishy one so I looked for the biggest bag. It also cannot be a down duvet as I am allergic to feathers, which is upsetting because usually the down ones are the nicest.

Anyways, I found one and it was magnificently thick and I loved it. AND it was on 50% off (perfect no?). So I get up to the cash and she charges me full price, at which I argue and say there was a large sign and there were several just like it on sale. She proceeds to call the department and they tell her its not on sale. I then whip out the ad in the flyer (I'm pretty cool I know) and sure enough it is on sale. (Ugh I really don't enjoy these kinds of shenanigans). She apologizes and offers me a card thing that if I sign up for I get an extra 10% off, OK so I do that.

I get home and am thrilled as I open the bag and I pull it out only to see it's way too small, I look at the tag and sure enough it says Queen. And THEN I look at the bag, it was a Gel Fibre Bed (WTF?) so I was clearly not impressed.

So after all the turmoil I faced in the store I must now return my purchase and continue my search for a perfect duvet. Oh the trials and tribulations of my life :S

Sleep, a Dream? And FRIENDS!

Sooo today I had a fantastic sleep in! It was pretty exciting, and apparently note worthy enough to talk about here!

While sleeping I had a rather strange dream. I don't remember all the details but it essentially was me counting all the voting ballets for the presidential elections, and Barack Obama won! Now this is weird 1. Because I am Canadian and 2. I'm really uninvolved in anything political. So ya strange dream.

But I do love dreaming! Its a fun escape from reality.

ALSO when I woke up I happened to notice some pictures on my wall of my friends that are away at school. And I realized how much I miss them! Its tough being away from close friends because you think that they are experiencing all these things without you and in turn you are drifting as friends. But that can't be true because I know I miss them all the time and still love them just as much as if they were here. I just have to remember that just because there are some miles between us does not been it's putting distant between us. Miss u and love u guys!! M.H, S.T, S.P, N.S xoxoxoxoox

My life would not be complete with out my friends. They make me who I am and are always there to support me! Awww I'm in a very nostalgic mood! lol!

Soooo bloggers make sure those whom you love know it!!! :D