I realize I have been slacking hugely on the blogging. And I really didn't understand why. For a while I just had no words that seemed worth sharing. I started blogging as something constructive for myself. A personal therapy if you will. And it did help me. But then I got to a point where I realized life is just too short for complaining. I have taken way too many things for granted and I vow to end that here and now.
Life is never happily ever after. Sure happy lives are lived but they are never perfect, everyone has their own set of issues (no matter how big or small). I have been going around self-conciously pitying myself. I would look at everyone else life around me and wish I had their joy. But being envious is not going to get me anywhere. Sure I will always admire those people who are brimming with self-confidence and who seemingly have the world at their finger tips, but I do not wish to be them. I am me and that is all I can be. I have my problems and my life is far from perfect but things could be much worse.
I am thankful for so many things that outweigh all the negative in my life. Things like:
- the best mother in the entire world for me
- amazing friends that never pretend to know my pain, but instead comfort me and help me through the tough times
- my health, I am able to walk and talk and not have to worry about how much time I have left
- my family. Although they are quite crazy they make life interesting and far from boring
- an education. I have goals in life and one day I will fulfill them because I have been given the opportunity to go to university
- my experiences in life. I am stronger and wiser and will be able to face many more of life's problems because of my past
- me. I am thankful that I am me. I am a good person, and I don't need confirmation from anyone else. I am kind, compassionate, loving, giving, and strong. I do not regret who I have become because I am the absolute best that I can be
Life is never fair.
My mom has told me that from the start. Things in life aren't easy and things are rarely handed to you. Be thankful for what you have and stop focusing on what you want. Being comfortable in your own skin is more important than getting that "hot" guy to notice you, or wishing you were that "beautiful" girl. Life is a gift and every positive thing in it is a blessing. Difficult times make us stronger and give us the gift of being able to realize how lucky we really are.
Nothing should be taken for granted, life is too short for "what ifs".
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I'm still alive!
I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been pretty busy. I had a few midterms and I survived them. I've also been making a conscious effort to do things for myself. I had made an appointment with a counsellor to help me through my tough times, which was a big step for me. Although it is a kind of unique counsellor, it's a free service offered through my mom's work and the person will be call me for the session, which will take place over the phone. I don't know how I feel about this but we shall see how that goes.
I have also contacted the secretary to the dean of students at school so that my professors may be notified that I am going through some tough personal issues and that my focus may be skewed for a while.
Lastly I am getting a tattoo. Many people have different reasons for getting tattoos and a lot of people are against them. But to each their own. I have always been intrigued with the idea of getting a tattoo but I didn't want to get some random thing that I thought was cute or pretty, I wanted to get something that meant a lot to me and that I wouldn't ever regret. Since my goal is to become a teacher I know that I have to appear professional.... so after great thought I have decided to get the tattoo on my upper back because it can be hidden quite easily.
My tattoo will incorporate 3 cherry blossoms, my Aries symbol, and the words Live, Laugh, Love.Each of those things are significant to me. First of all the number 3 is significant all on its own. It represents soo many things varying from culture to culture. But for me, I like the idea of past present and future. The past has helped shaped me into who I am today, and I have no regrets, I am who I am because of it, and my future is mysterious and unknown, but I am looking forward to it.
Next the cherry blossoms. I did a lot of research about this and found several different interpretations of the meanings. The one that resonated the most with me was the Japanese version of it where it talks of the brevity of life, and how precious it is. It's important to know that when you are going through tough times they will eventually end and you will be stronger because of it. I have always been interested in zodiac signs and such, and my Aries symbol has meant a lot to me throughout the years, so it was a no brainer to involve that in my tattoo.
And finally Live, Laugh, Love. I chose to add this in at the last minute. My mom has always loved this phrase and we have a few trinkets in our home the say it. But it truly is important. These are the things that are important in life, and to me. I want to live each day to the fullest, laughing will always be my best medicine, and there is no other feeling like loving and being loved.
For all these reasons and more this tattoo will be important to me. I am doing this for me. I am not doing it because other people have them or it is "cool". This represents a lot to me and to have it with me forever will just remind me of what I need to focus on.
I think I'm coming out of my dark stage, I'm thinking positive and I'm looking to heal myself.
I have also contacted the secretary to the dean of students at school so that my professors may be notified that I am going through some tough personal issues and that my focus may be skewed for a while.
Lastly I am getting a tattoo. Many people have different reasons for getting tattoos and a lot of people are against them. But to each their own. I have always been intrigued with the idea of getting a tattoo but I didn't want to get some random thing that I thought was cute or pretty, I wanted to get something that meant a lot to me and that I wouldn't ever regret. Since my goal is to become a teacher I know that I have to appear professional.... so after great thought I have decided to get the tattoo on my upper back because it can be hidden quite easily.
My tattoo will incorporate 3 cherry blossoms, my Aries symbol, and the words Live, Laugh, Love.Each of those things are significant to me. First of all the number 3 is significant all on its own. It represents soo many things varying from culture to culture. But for me, I like the idea of past present and future. The past has helped shaped me into who I am today, and I have no regrets, I am who I am because of it, and my future is mysterious and unknown, but I am looking forward to it.
Next the cherry blossoms. I did a lot of research about this and found several different interpretations of the meanings. The one that resonated the most with me was the Japanese version of it where it talks of the brevity of life, and how precious it is. It's important to know that when you are going through tough times they will eventually end and you will be stronger because of it. I have always been interested in zodiac signs and such, and my Aries symbol has meant a lot to me throughout the years, so it was a no brainer to involve that in my tattoo.
And finally Live, Laugh, Love. I chose to add this in at the last minute. My mom has always loved this phrase and we have a few trinkets in our home the say it. But it truly is important. These are the things that are important in life, and to me. I want to live each day to the fullest, laughing will always be my best medicine, and there is no other feeling like loving and being loved.
For all these reasons and more this tattoo will be important to me. I am doing this for me. I am not doing it because other people have them or it is "cool". This represents a lot to me and to have it with me forever will just remind me of what I need to focus on.
I think I'm coming out of my dark stage, I'm thinking positive and I'm looking to heal myself.
Monday, October 27, 2008
What's important?
I'm so conflicted right now, my personal family issues are taking over my mind. I cannot concentrate on school and I am torn between what I am expected to do. I had 3 midterms last week, and I didn't do anywhere near enough studying as I should have and I am worried that my marks are going to reflect that. I've already got one mark back and it was a 50!! I've never got that low of mark, EVER!
But do these mark REALLY matter? I mean does this mark actually dictate how intelligent I am, and does this class test my skills that I will need once I begin my career? No i don't think so.
So why am I so upset about this mark? Because I have been socialized to believe that marks reflect your intelligence and dictate how far you will go. I know I am an intelligent person, and I want to believe that I can achieve all my goals, but school has that possibility of holding me back, and I am terrified because I know I need school to do anything.
UGH yet when I am faced with all these family problems, I am able to see how much more important human suffering is over stupid marks and tests. I honestly wish the only thing I had to worry about was school, and then perhaps I could prove that I am smart. But alas with all the family problems I am unable to focus and I'm hurting all the time.....
I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore....
But do these mark REALLY matter? I mean does this mark actually dictate how intelligent I am, and does this class test my skills that I will need once I begin my career? No i don't think so.
So why am I so upset about this mark? Because I have been socialized to believe that marks reflect your intelligence and dictate how far you will go. I know I am an intelligent person, and I want to believe that I can achieve all my goals, but school has that possibility of holding me back, and I am terrified because I know I need school to do anything.
UGH yet when I am faced with all these family problems, I am able to see how much more important human suffering is over stupid marks and tests. I honestly wish the only thing I had to worry about was school, and then perhaps I could prove that I am smart. But alas with all the family problems I am unable to focus and I'm hurting all the time.....
I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore....
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
PDA - NOT OK
I am definitely against PDA. I don't mind couples holding hands or the random smooch. But please no making out and/or fondling in public. Seriously we get you are together now get away from me and get a room.
Honestly there is no need for it. If you can't keep your hands off each other find somewhere to do it where you won't be disturbing those around you. Because HELLO no one wants to see that! We get that you are a couple , congrats, now move on and let me continue with my day.
Any small show of affection is cute, endearing even. But over the top is completely unnecessary. What you do together is private and should stay that way, your relationship doesn't need to be flaunted around everyone else so you can tell them " He/she is mine".
Just because I'm passing you on the sidewalk or hallway does not mean I want your man, so rather than getting all up on him, try smiling and being pleasant, with any touching at a minimum.
K thx!
Honestly there is no need for it. If you can't keep your hands off each other find somewhere to do it where you won't be disturbing those around you. Because HELLO no one wants to see that! We get that you are a couple , congrats, now move on and let me continue with my day.
Any small show of affection is cute, endearing even. But over the top is completely unnecessary. What you do together is private and should stay that way, your relationship doesn't need to be flaunted around everyone else so you can tell them " He/she is mine".
Just because I'm passing you on the sidewalk or hallway does not mean I want your man, so rather than getting all up on him, try smiling and being pleasant, with any touching at a minimum.
K thx!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Tears from stone
Well today was the big day. My Dad was moved to the nursing home. But not without a fight. This morning when the nurses informed him (again) that he was going to a nursing home he was enraged and refused to go. I was contacted and began to panic because if he didn't go he would loose the bed and I didn't know what would happen. After about an hour of the nurses/doctors/social worker talking to my father they finally got it through to him that there was no other choice and that he MUST go.
So he went, against his will.
I arrived to the nursing home about ten minutes after he had arrived. I brought him more clothing and such. I went to his room to see how he was doing and he was just sitting there, still in the hospital clothes and unshowered. His face was red and he was tapping his foot rather vigorously (clear indication of his anger). I say hi to him and talk about how nice it is there and how great the people are but he makes no response. I start to unpack a few of his things while continuing to talk to him, and he still remains silent. I finally turn to him and ask him if he is going to talk to me at all....he shakes his head.
At this point I don't know what to do, I tell him that this is the best place for him that he will feel much more at home here than at the hospital and that he can make friends. And then a few solitary tears run down his face and he tries to hide them.
I have NEVER seen my father cry. I didn't know what to do. There I was facing the man that used to be big and strong and whom I believed could face anything in the world and conquer....and he was crying, helplessly.
I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't hold myself together....I tried to hide my tears but it was impossible. I had to leave because staying there wasn't helping either of us. I went to the front desk and the nurse started talking to me saying how sad it was and how young he was, and I broke down again in front of the nurses and patients, but I didn't care. The man who used to think I was his entire world now basically hated me and was crying because I put him here.
When I start crying it's hard to stop so I had to pull myself together as best I could and just get out of there. Half-way across the parking lot I had a mental breakdown. The image of that helpless man sitting there silently crying was burned into my mind and it was breaking me. I got in my car and went home, sobbing the whole way.
Usually if I'm upset in public I can hide it relatively alright, but not today. With my face streaked with tears and my makeup melted everywhere. I avoiding eye contact with the many people who saw me. I got home and called my mom. I could barely speak. I was at the point where I sound like I'm five and I'm struggling for air. My mom came home on her lunch break to comfort me. But nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm 19 and my 50 year old father is in a nursing home, where he will live for the rest of his life. AND he resents me.
When does the pain stop? Why did this have to happen to him? And why can't I get over it?
I'm sick of crying and hurting and wishing for better days. I want happiness, that's all I want. But it seems always just out of reach. One day things have to turn around, life is not meant to be all bad.
After all tough times don't last, and tough people do.
So he went, against his will.
I arrived to the nursing home about ten minutes after he had arrived. I brought him more clothing and such. I went to his room to see how he was doing and he was just sitting there, still in the hospital clothes and unshowered. His face was red and he was tapping his foot rather vigorously (clear indication of his anger). I say hi to him and talk about how nice it is there and how great the people are but he makes no response. I start to unpack a few of his things while continuing to talk to him, and he still remains silent. I finally turn to him and ask him if he is going to talk to me at all....he shakes his head.
At this point I don't know what to do, I tell him that this is the best place for him that he will feel much more at home here than at the hospital and that he can make friends. And then a few solitary tears run down his face and he tries to hide them.
I have NEVER seen my father cry. I didn't know what to do. There I was facing the man that used to be big and strong and whom I believed could face anything in the world and conquer....and he was crying, helplessly.
I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't hold myself together....I tried to hide my tears but it was impossible. I had to leave because staying there wasn't helping either of us. I went to the front desk and the nurse started talking to me saying how sad it was and how young he was, and I broke down again in front of the nurses and patients, but I didn't care. The man who used to think I was his entire world now basically hated me and was crying because I put him here.
When I start crying it's hard to stop so I had to pull myself together as best I could and just get out of there. Half-way across the parking lot I had a mental breakdown. The image of that helpless man sitting there silently crying was burned into my mind and it was breaking me. I got in my car and went home, sobbing the whole way.
Usually if I'm upset in public I can hide it relatively alright, but not today. With my face streaked with tears and my makeup melted everywhere. I avoiding eye contact with the many people who saw me. I got home and called my mom. I could barely speak. I was at the point where I sound like I'm five and I'm struggling for air. My mom came home on her lunch break to comfort me. But nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm 19 and my 50 year old father is in a nursing home, where he will live for the rest of his life. AND he resents me.
When does the pain stop? Why did this have to happen to him? And why can't I get over it?
I'm sick of crying and hurting and wishing for better days. I want happiness, that's all I want. But it seems always just out of reach. One day things have to turn around, life is not meant to be all bad.
After all tough times don't last, and tough people do.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Father right?
So as some of you may know from my previous posts my father is in the hospital. He has alcoholic dementia. Anyways he's been in the hospital for about 3 months now and on Friday we got the good news that he would be moved to a nursing home on Monday, as he is unable to care for himself.
So today I went to the hospital to visit with him and to bring him some clothes to wear for his journey over to the home, and the social worker told me it would do well to be honest with him. So I told him that he was finally getting out of the hospital (he seemed excited at this), and that he was going to live in a nursing home (significantly less excited now). At this he accused me of going behind his back and making arrangements without his consent.
So I tried to change the subjects because he tends to argue a lot but in a short while will forget what the argument was about. Not today. He continued pressing asking who was in on this and that he was never going there. I ignored this hostility and rather asked him if there was anything he'd like me to bring in for him (candy,books, deodorant, movies etc.) and he responded with "I don't want a thing, just a family that cares for me, and it's clear I don't have one of those". OUCH!!
I knew he wouldn't be thrilled about going to a nursing home because he has always been a proud man, but I didn't think it would make him want to disown me. So now I've been led to thinking I'm a) a bad daughter b)inconsiderate and selfish of his feelings and c) unwanted. But I suppose this is where I am supposed to remind myself that he is a sick man, and that he doesn't really mean the hurtful things he says......or does he??
UGH another day of hurt feelings by that sick man who gave me life
So today I went to the hospital to visit with him and to bring him some clothes to wear for his journey over to the home, and the social worker told me it would do well to be honest with him. So I told him that he was finally getting out of the hospital (he seemed excited at this), and that he was going to live in a nursing home (significantly less excited now). At this he accused me of going behind his back and making arrangements without his consent.
So I tried to change the subjects because he tends to argue a lot but in a short while will forget what the argument was about. Not today. He continued pressing asking who was in on this and that he was never going there. I ignored this hostility and rather asked him if there was anything he'd like me to bring in for him (candy,books, deodorant, movies etc.) and he responded with "I don't want a thing, just a family that cares for me, and it's clear I don't have one of those". OUCH!!
I knew he wouldn't be thrilled about going to a nursing home because he has always been a proud man, but I didn't think it would make him want to disown me. So now I've been led to thinking I'm a) a bad daughter b)inconsiderate and selfish of his feelings and c) unwanted. But I suppose this is where I am supposed to remind myself that he is a sick man, and that he doesn't really mean the hurtful things he says......or does he??
UGH another day of hurt feelings by that sick man who gave me life
Friday, October 17, 2008
Contagious...
Good moods are contagious! Soo be happy and cheer every one up around you! I am in a particularly silly mood and although I am alone right now I feel pretty fan-freaking-tastic!
So try it out! Smile laugh and pass it on! :D
~Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
So try it out! Smile laugh and pass it on! :D
~Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
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