I'm so conflicted right now, my personal family issues are taking over my mind. I cannot concentrate on school and I am torn between what I am expected to do. I had 3 midterms last week, and I didn't do anywhere near enough studying as I should have and I am worried that my marks are going to reflect that. I've already got one mark back and it was a 50!! I've never got that low of mark, EVER!
But do these mark REALLY matter? I mean does this mark actually dictate how intelligent I am, and does this class test my skills that I will need once I begin my career? No i don't think so.
So why am I so upset about this mark? Because I have been socialized to believe that marks reflect your intelligence and dictate how far you will go. I know I am an intelligent person, and I want to believe that I can achieve all my goals, but school has that possibility of holding me back, and I am terrified because I know I need school to do anything.
UGH yet when I am faced with all these family problems, I am able to see how much more important human suffering is over stupid marks and tests. I honestly wish the only thing I had to worry about was school, and then perhaps I could prove that I am smart. But alas with all the family problems I am unable to focus and I'm hurting all the time.....
I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore....
Monday, October 27, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
PDA - NOT OK
I am definitely against PDA. I don't mind couples holding hands or the random smooch. But please no making out and/or fondling in public. Seriously we get you are together now get away from me and get a room.
Honestly there is no need for it. If you can't keep your hands off each other find somewhere to do it where you won't be disturbing those around you. Because HELLO no one wants to see that! We get that you are a couple , congrats, now move on and let me continue with my day.
Any small show of affection is cute, endearing even. But over the top is completely unnecessary. What you do together is private and should stay that way, your relationship doesn't need to be flaunted around everyone else so you can tell them " He/she is mine".
Just because I'm passing you on the sidewalk or hallway does not mean I want your man, so rather than getting all up on him, try smiling and being pleasant, with any touching at a minimum.
K thx!
Honestly there is no need for it. If you can't keep your hands off each other find somewhere to do it where you won't be disturbing those around you. Because HELLO no one wants to see that! We get that you are a couple , congrats, now move on and let me continue with my day.
Any small show of affection is cute, endearing even. But over the top is completely unnecessary. What you do together is private and should stay that way, your relationship doesn't need to be flaunted around everyone else so you can tell them " He/she is mine".
Just because I'm passing you on the sidewalk or hallway does not mean I want your man, so rather than getting all up on him, try smiling and being pleasant, with any touching at a minimum.
K thx!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Tears from stone
Well today was the big day. My Dad was moved to the nursing home. But not without a fight. This morning when the nurses informed him (again) that he was going to a nursing home he was enraged and refused to go. I was contacted and began to panic because if he didn't go he would loose the bed and I didn't know what would happen. After about an hour of the nurses/doctors/social worker talking to my father they finally got it through to him that there was no other choice and that he MUST go.
So he went, against his will.
I arrived to the nursing home about ten minutes after he had arrived. I brought him more clothing and such. I went to his room to see how he was doing and he was just sitting there, still in the hospital clothes and unshowered. His face was red and he was tapping his foot rather vigorously (clear indication of his anger). I say hi to him and talk about how nice it is there and how great the people are but he makes no response. I start to unpack a few of his things while continuing to talk to him, and he still remains silent. I finally turn to him and ask him if he is going to talk to me at all....he shakes his head.
At this point I don't know what to do, I tell him that this is the best place for him that he will feel much more at home here than at the hospital and that he can make friends. And then a few solitary tears run down his face and he tries to hide them.
I have NEVER seen my father cry. I didn't know what to do. There I was facing the man that used to be big and strong and whom I believed could face anything in the world and conquer....and he was crying, helplessly.
I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't hold myself together....I tried to hide my tears but it was impossible. I had to leave because staying there wasn't helping either of us. I went to the front desk and the nurse started talking to me saying how sad it was and how young he was, and I broke down again in front of the nurses and patients, but I didn't care. The man who used to think I was his entire world now basically hated me and was crying because I put him here.
When I start crying it's hard to stop so I had to pull myself together as best I could and just get out of there. Half-way across the parking lot I had a mental breakdown. The image of that helpless man sitting there silently crying was burned into my mind and it was breaking me. I got in my car and went home, sobbing the whole way.
Usually if I'm upset in public I can hide it relatively alright, but not today. With my face streaked with tears and my makeup melted everywhere. I avoiding eye contact with the many people who saw me. I got home and called my mom. I could barely speak. I was at the point where I sound like I'm five and I'm struggling for air. My mom came home on her lunch break to comfort me. But nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm 19 and my 50 year old father is in a nursing home, where he will live for the rest of his life. AND he resents me.
When does the pain stop? Why did this have to happen to him? And why can't I get over it?
I'm sick of crying and hurting and wishing for better days. I want happiness, that's all I want. But it seems always just out of reach. One day things have to turn around, life is not meant to be all bad.
After all tough times don't last, and tough people do.
So he went, against his will.
I arrived to the nursing home about ten minutes after he had arrived. I brought him more clothing and such. I went to his room to see how he was doing and he was just sitting there, still in the hospital clothes and unshowered. His face was red and he was tapping his foot rather vigorously (clear indication of his anger). I say hi to him and talk about how nice it is there and how great the people are but he makes no response. I start to unpack a few of his things while continuing to talk to him, and he still remains silent. I finally turn to him and ask him if he is going to talk to me at all....he shakes his head.
At this point I don't know what to do, I tell him that this is the best place for him that he will feel much more at home here than at the hospital and that he can make friends. And then a few solitary tears run down his face and he tries to hide them.
I have NEVER seen my father cry. I didn't know what to do. There I was facing the man that used to be big and strong and whom I believed could face anything in the world and conquer....and he was crying, helplessly.
I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't hold myself together....I tried to hide my tears but it was impossible. I had to leave because staying there wasn't helping either of us. I went to the front desk and the nurse started talking to me saying how sad it was and how young he was, and I broke down again in front of the nurses and patients, but I didn't care. The man who used to think I was his entire world now basically hated me and was crying because I put him here.
When I start crying it's hard to stop so I had to pull myself together as best I could and just get out of there. Half-way across the parking lot I had a mental breakdown. The image of that helpless man sitting there silently crying was burned into my mind and it was breaking me. I got in my car and went home, sobbing the whole way.
Usually if I'm upset in public I can hide it relatively alright, but not today. With my face streaked with tears and my makeup melted everywhere. I avoiding eye contact with the many people who saw me. I got home and called my mom. I could barely speak. I was at the point where I sound like I'm five and I'm struggling for air. My mom came home on her lunch break to comfort me. But nothing seems to cheer me up. I'm 19 and my 50 year old father is in a nursing home, where he will live for the rest of his life. AND he resents me.
When does the pain stop? Why did this have to happen to him? And why can't I get over it?
I'm sick of crying and hurting and wishing for better days. I want happiness, that's all I want. But it seems always just out of reach. One day things have to turn around, life is not meant to be all bad.
After all tough times don't last, and tough people do.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Father right?
So as some of you may know from my previous posts my father is in the hospital. He has alcoholic dementia. Anyways he's been in the hospital for about 3 months now and on Friday we got the good news that he would be moved to a nursing home on Monday, as he is unable to care for himself.
So today I went to the hospital to visit with him and to bring him some clothes to wear for his journey over to the home, and the social worker told me it would do well to be honest with him. So I told him that he was finally getting out of the hospital (he seemed excited at this), and that he was going to live in a nursing home (significantly less excited now). At this he accused me of going behind his back and making arrangements without his consent.
So I tried to change the subjects because he tends to argue a lot but in a short while will forget what the argument was about. Not today. He continued pressing asking who was in on this and that he was never going there. I ignored this hostility and rather asked him if there was anything he'd like me to bring in for him (candy,books, deodorant, movies etc.) and he responded with "I don't want a thing, just a family that cares for me, and it's clear I don't have one of those". OUCH!!
I knew he wouldn't be thrilled about going to a nursing home because he has always been a proud man, but I didn't think it would make him want to disown me. So now I've been led to thinking I'm a) a bad daughter b)inconsiderate and selfish of his feelings and c) unwanted. But I suppose this is where I am supposed to remind myself that he is a sick man, and that he doesn't really mean the hurtful things he says......or does he??
UGH another day of hurt feelings by that sick man who gave me life
So today I went to the hospital to visit with him and to bring him some clothes to wear for his journey over to the home, and the social worker told me it would do well to be honest with him. So I told him that he was finally getting out of the hospital (he seemed excited at this), and that he was going to live in a nursing home (significantly less excited now). At this he accused me of going behind his back and making arrangements without his consent.
So I tried to change the subjects because he tends to argue a lot but in a short while will forget what the argument was about. Not today. He continued pressing asking who was in on this and that he was never going there. I ignored this hostility and rather asked him if there was anything he'd like me to bring in for him (candy,books, deodorant, movies etc.) and he responded with "I don't want a thing, just a family that cares for me, and it's clear I don't have one of those". OUCH!!
I knew he wouldn't be thrilled about going to a nursing home because he has always been a proud man, but I didn't think it would make him want to disown me. So now I've been led to thinking I'm a) a bad daughter b)inconsiderate and selfish of his feelings and c) unwanted. But I suppose this is where I am supposed to remind myself that he is a sick man, and that he doesn't really mean the hurtful things he says......or does he??
UGH another day of hurt feelings by that sick man who gave me life
Friday, October 17, 2008
Contagious...
Good moods are contagious! Soo be happy and cheer every one up around you! I am in a particularly silly mood and although I am alone right now I feel pretty fan-freaking-tastic!
So try it out! Smile laugh and pass it on! :D
~Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
So try it out! Smile laugh and pass it on! :D
~Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
Emabarassing Videos...singing/crying
I love to sing, I personally think Im pretty amazing, but I believe a lot of people think that they are. And a lot of people are just plain tone deaf and they can sometimes be rather painful to listen to. But with the music loud enough pretty much anyone can sound just like the artist (as long as you're no competing to try and be louder!)
At my sister's first wedding I was eight and as my present to her I sang a song. I sang in front of 200+ guests and made a small mistake but I loved it! I sang I'll be your candle on the water (you know that song in Pete's Dragon). Ya and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn cute. But watching that video kind of embarrasses me because I know the mistake I made but no one else notices right away. But ya my point is I could make a could singer, most likely country because my voice sounds best singing along with country songs lol!
Ugh that made me think of my sisters second wedding (she was really young at her first wedding). Anyways...at her 2nd wedding I was 18 and the maid of honour. Then the time came for speeches (my other sister and I said our speeches together because we don't like talking in front of lots people), I said mine first. Now I can be pretty mushy and during a few points in my speech my voice cracked. But I held it together....until then end o f my speech where I looked at my sister (the bride) and broke down, like full out sobbing but I was half crying half laughing and basically it looked like I was struggling for air. My other sister found this comical and she decided to announce to the rest of the guests that she doesn't cry like me (at which time everyone laughed). lol now any time we watch the wedding video I have to leave the room when Im talking either because I'll get all emotional again or I'll be embarrassed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I don't particularly like seeing myself on video and am extra critical of myself. Oh well I'm not famous (...yet) so I don't need to worry about these kind of things! Just wait world one day I'll be topping the charts with my phenomenal voice! hah!
At my sister's first wedding I was eight and as my present to her I sang a song. I sang in front of 200+ guests and made a small mistake but I loved it! I sang I'll be your candle on the water (you know that song in Pete's Dragon). Ya and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn cute. But watching that video kind of embarrasses me because I know the mistake I made but no one else notices right away. But ya my point is I could make a could singer, most likely country because my voice sounds best singing along with country songs lol!
Ugh that made me think of my sisters second wedding (she was really young at her first wedding). Anyways...at her 2nd wedding I was 18 and the maid of honour. Then the time came for speeches (my other sister and I said our speeches together because we don't like talking in front of lots people), I said mine first. Now I can be pretty mushy and during a few points in my speech my voice cracked. But I held it together....until then end o f my speech where I looked at my sister (the bride) and broke down, like full out sobbing but I was half crying half laughing and basically it looked like I was struggling for air. My other sister found this comical and she decided to announce to the rest of the guests that she doesn't cry like me (at which time everyone laughed). lol now any time we watch the wedding video I have to leave the room when Im talking either because I'll get all emotional again or I'll be embarrassed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I don't particularly like seeing myself on video and am extra critical of myself. Oh well I'm not famous (...yet) so I don't need to worry about these kind of things! Just wait world one day I'll be topping the charts with my phenomenal voice! hah!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A picture is worth a thousand words!!! :)
I just printed off a whole bunch of pictures from the last few months and have updated my room with lots of them. I love photos and I have them all over my room. Some people believe that your bedroom should be a place of peace and serenity so there shouldn't be photos of people. But I clearly don't agree with this. I love looking at photos of some the best times I've had with my friends. They will always cheer me up even if it's only for a little while.
I love being surrounded with these photos because even if the people in them aren't near me I can see them whenever I choose and that makes me happy :) So I now have an obscene amount of photos in my room but that's how I roll!!
I love being surrounded with these photos because even if the people in them aren't near me I can see them whenever I choose and that makes me happy :) So I now have an obscene amount of photos in my room but that's how I roll!!
So keep those that you love close always! <3
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